Natalie Portman Appreciation Day

A few years ago, it seemed like Jude Law was in everything. I couldn't sit through a movie preview without seeing that absurdly perfect jawline grinning at me. I didn't get it. Why did he want to be in so many movies at once? Was it like a game?

Well, now Jude sits not alone on that silly mantle; Natalie Portman appears to be in everything nowadays. And on the heels of her incredible performance in 'Black Swan' that will surely earn her an Oscar nomination (if not the award itself), we're going to take an entry here to look at Natalie Portman's upcoming slate, since you can't watch a preview right now without her surprising you showing up in it.

Let's get this started with a bang:

Thor (May 6, 2011)


Thor is a preview about people overreacting. People yell for no reason. Curse each other for no reason. Even the opening lines about "It's not easy to do what you did..." seems like an overreaction based on what they show us when he says it. From the looks of it, I could beat up those doctors and security guards.

I say this knowing that Kenneth Branagh is a great director and that in the film itself, none of these overreactions are likely to appear as such. But for argument's sake, the trailer sure looks like people overreacting. Father and son curse each other at the top of their lungs. Why? Not sure. But Thor is a dude who comes from a world where magic and science "are one in the same."

He is sent down to Earth in a classic overreaction and lands in front of Natalie Portman. His absurdly unbelievable reaction to waking up looking at her is to whine. Maybe his father was right in banishing him. He clearly is an idiot.

Things get hairy, people come after Thor. At one point, I'm pretty sure Gort's evil twin brother sets down in a small desert town and starts blowing stuff up and presumably Thor decides that Natalie Portman is worth killing for and decides to stop complaining. I promise there's nothing hotter than her where ever he's from.

Trailer works fine the way action-movie trailers do. Minimal set-up. Actions clips get meshed together to the point where they make no sense but sure do look cool. The Marvel cinematic universe continues to expand. 'The Avengers' gets further set up.

Nothing unique added to the mix. Casting looks interesting. But we won't talk about that. Today it's all about Natalie. So for this entry, we'll change our rating scale. We'll just give it a Natalie-watchability rating. 0-10 (ten being the highest)

NWR: Natalie looks good but trailer doesn't show her doing much. 6.

The Other Woman (limited release, February 4, 2011)


Switching gears from Thor, The Other Woman gives Natalie a chance to take center stage and be much more human. In this case, she's not dealing with a muscle-bound god who fell from the stars, she's dealing with the loss of her child and trying to fit into a family where her only true blood connection to them is lost.

Obviously an independent production and teeming with indie-film energy and style, The Other Woman looks pretty solid in the performance categories (except maybe for Lisa Kudrow, who fails to impress me in this trailer). But this piece really belongs to Ms. Portman, who gets to reach out for a maternal part of herself that she has really only barely touched on in films passed. 'Revenge of the Sith' totally doesn't count.

Story doesn't break any new ground, but like so many great pieces of art, it's in the presentation. Trailer also fails to break any new ground, but it does promise both in text and in the visuals that Portman gives a tremendous performance that could just be worth paying admission to see.

It's an interesting choice for her to be sure, but a good one where she can continue to stretch herself and prove that she has not only the looks but the talent to go the distance.

NWR: A great performance and she gets to be a sexy. But a baby does die. 8.

No Strings Attached (January 21, 2011)


What the heck is Natalie Portman doing in this movie?

Some studio exec at Paramount deserves a huge raise, though, because they are giving millions and millions of young men and women exactly what their bodies want: Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher in compromising positions. I speculate that the logic is this: every guy wants Natalie Portman as his friend with benefits. If she were to cry out, "Why can't we just have sex?" to any of us, we would do whatever she asked.

Similarly, millions of young woman like Ashton and think he's got the adorable sense of humor, but they want him to like them for them. So this movie gives an audience of millions a proxy that we can only dream about.

Well played, nameless Paramount executive.

But seriously, what the heck is Natalie Portman doing in this movie?

Trailer gives away just about everything except the last three minutes, and even those can be guessed at. Casting mostly works (Ludacris, really??) but really, the trailer adds absolutely nothing to the art of trailers or to the rom-com genre.

NWR: Spunky Natalie having a lot of sex. 10. But we also have to see Ashton Kutcher doing it with her. -5. Total: 5.

Your Highness (April 5, 2011)


I take it back. What is Natalie Portman doing in THIS movie?

I mean, they already have the adorable Zooey Deschanel as the damsel in distress. Is Portman necessary?

Not that I'm complaining. Of the four films that we have previewed here, this is the only one where she strips down to her underwear on screen. And if you think that's good, find the red-band version of the trailer.

Your Highness comes from the makers of the Pineapple Express, which doesn't help to sell me on the film any, but lets you know what kind of movie you're in for: one that takes two genres that aren't naturally designed to go together, and meshes them seriously. In this case, the stoner comedy and the medieval fantasy epic.

Unlike Pineapple, this one looks like it could just succeed with both, making a credibly fantasy adventure and a funny slacker/loser comedy.

Portman appears to be riffing on her Black Swan role by inhabiting the body of a tough, sexy killer served in a small portion. And it should be noted that between this and the preview for "Strings" that she has a knack for comedy. Her looks are used as an asset, but her timing is sharp.

All-in-all, this one oddly looks the most promising overall of the four we've seen here today.

NWR: Skimpy bathing suit, uses a sword, no Ashton: 10.

Well, that's all for this edition of Natalie Portman Appreciation Day. See you in 2015 when we preview seven movies starring Zac Efron.

Take Me Home Tonight

Before transforming the universe with 'Star Wars,' George Lucas gave us 'American Graffiti,' which was a slice-of-life about high school kids in the early 60s. With its famous tagline, "Where Were You in '62?" the flick was all about the sights, sounds, attitudes and music of the 1960s, pre-American involvement in Vietnam. The audience that made the film a hit was largely made up of those who grew up in the 60s, faced a crushing Vietnam war era and the domestic hardships that followed, and longed for those simpler times, when Wolfman Jack provided a running commentary on the night while young guys went cruising.

'Take Me Home Tonight' looks to be trying to cash in on the children of the 80s in a similar, though less-profound (and committed) way.

Picking up the mantle where 'Hot Tub Time Machine' and 'The Wedding Singer' left off, 'Tonght' is about a young man played by Topher Grace trying to get the girl of his dreams to fall in love with him, a plan which is summed up by Anna Faris in the trailer's single funniest line.

I'd also like to point out that Topher Grace was the star of 'That 70s Show' which says to me that the poor guy is simply built for a generation passed.

Not that this is a problem, as his comic timing appears to still be in perfect shape. The rest of the cast around him mostly works, as well. Anna Faris can make lemons out of lemonade like no one's business, and Dan Fogler (whose only other recognizable role was in the little-seen 'Fanboys') more-or-less works as the chubby, horny friend who will go to great lengths to receive female attention. You've seen the type. I guess he works it as well as any of them do.

Clearly the 80s love is there in the music ('Straight Outta Compton') the world (Grace works at Suncoast) and in the details (1980's James Cameron-staple Michael Biehn plays Grace's disapproving father).

But despite the cast and the obvious affection for the 80s, the trailer middles, interested more in showing off (kinda) funny set-pieces rather than any real sense of story. At one point, Grace mentions to his female love interest that he has hit rock bottom. How, exactly? Can we get a substantial hint? Something to compel us into seeing the movie?

I also noted that while the title card reports that the film takes place in 1988, at one point the film 'Twins' can be seen on video over Grace's shoulder at Suncoast. This would be cute except that 'Twins' was released in December of 1988, and if you recall the days of early home video, was likely a good 6-8 months away from being on shelves to take home.

Details like that, combined with the wandering trailer make me sad, for I fear the final product will not only fall short on story, but also on truly inhabiting the world of the 80s, thus effectively killing either reason to be interested.

Grace and Faris make me laugh, and look like they will be funny here. And I always like seeing Michael Biehn get work, but based on what is on display here, I have to say this gets no higher than "Maybe on TNT."

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

This preview for the upcoming fourth installment in the theme-park-ride franchise has the exact same effect on me that the two sequels had:

I can't really make sense of all of it, save for some vague idea what the story is about (the fountain of youth), it runs too long, but every ten seconds I am distracted by something funny that Johnny Depp does as Captain Jack Sparrow, and finally, it's pretty to look at with some dangerous stuff happening along with some scary stuff and some funny stuff. Hans Zimmer's swashbuckling score plays to my ears while my mind wanders countless times during the whole affair. Yet somehow, I get to the end and I think I enjoyed what I saw, but I can't really be sure. I don't remember.

Yes, the trailer does to me exactly what Pirates 2 and 3 did. I do not consider this a strength.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, besides not fitting entirely on many theater marquees, was a surprise to the world. First, it was about pirates, a genre that promised no return for the studio. Second, it was based on a theme-park ride. My goodness, how low had Disney sunk? And third, it had beloved character actor Johnny Depp playing the lead in a huge summer tent-pole picture.

And yet Pirates became as cool as glittery emo vampires are now, theme-park-based movies suddenly seemed (ever-so-slightly) less silly, and Johnny Depp stepped off a sinking boat into A-list movie-star status.

Then came those inevitable sequels, which made mind-numbing amounts of money and further developed the story of Captain Jack and the Robin to his Batman, Will Turner.

Now the time has come for number four, but what's this? Gone is Robin and now, we are left with just Batman?

Normally this is a good thing, but the trailer feels like it's missing something, with two of the three poster faces (Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom) absent from the proceedings. And while Ian McShane's Blackbeard looks to be a scary dude and all, he rather pales in comparison to the 'I'm a Ghost-Pirate!' over-the-topness of Geoffrey Rush from the first film, or Bill Nighy's tentacled Davy Jones from the second and third.

Bless Johnny Depp for making even the most boring of films look even mildly interesting. Perhaps one day, he will be referred to in literature about twenty/twenty-first century pop culture as the Atlas of World Cinema.

Trailer structure is a bit of a mess, but again, this goes to the narrative of the movies themselves. So stylistically, it accurately reflects its source material. Music is to be expected, and most standard beats are hit, without much excitement. Anyone else think maybe the material is just getting long in the gold tooth?

"Maybe on TNT."

Tree of Life

Terrence Malick's 'Tree of Life' is a movie about Brad Pitt being so hard on his young son that he grows up into Sean Penn.

Damnit, Brad. Damnit.

All kidding aside, this is a fascinating trailer in that it violates the rules of most mainstream studio film trailers and indie film trailers, opting instead to go the route of mostly peculiar, but hardly incongruous imagery. This much more closely resembles the anomaly teaser for 'Garden State' (seen here), save for the tone, than anything else of late. Its classical score fits well with the imagery that features intercutting between a young nuclear family and their world of the 50s and the modern day sad-face of Sean Penn. Oh and planets being destroyed.

The trailer makes a case for a decidedly spiritual film about life and its inevitable end.

And it makes it well. This is a trailer (and I assume, a film) that is brimming with imagination and bold storytelling. It is a marketing strategy that I hope pays off for the filmmakers and studio, which is essentially daring the audience (who are doubtless used to trailers that depend on brand recognition, ala Fast Five or Harry Potter) to come see the movie and discover what it's really about. Though like a good trailer, it presents the tone of the film and gives you some idea of the color lens through which it views the world.

The trailers' only real mis-step as far as I could tell was using an extreme close-up of Brad Pitt very early on, as if to say, "Hey look! Brad Pitt!" A less 'look at our star!' image would have felt more organic to the preview. Added to which, this star shot was followed seconds later by Pitt daring his son to hit him in the face. And while I am a particular brand of weirdo, I couldn't help thinking, "I want you to hit me. As hard as you can."

But props to the marketing team at Fox Searchlight. This is a trailer that only needs to be seen once to leave an impression. And while the same could be said for most trailers, looking around at what is offered up to you before the movies this holiday season, I dare you to tell me one that looks as interesting.

"In Theaters."

Fast Five

Two cars dragging a thirty-ton safe behind them through a busy city during rush hour at speed.

Let me say that again. Two cars. Dragging a 30-ton safe. On chains behind them. At speed.

If that doesn't tell you exactly what kind of movie you're signing up for, then there's really no help for you. While in real life, I would expect nothing short of a tank to (slowly) accomplish such a task, Fast Five, the fifth (and likely, not final) installment in the Fast franchise, gives us two modified Dodge Chargers performing this very stunt. The 2010 Dodge Charger has a rough towing capacity of 2000 lbs. To accomplish this task for real, they would require something more like the Dodge Ram 350, which would drive much more slowly and look considerably less cool in a 'Fast-movie' chase scene.

Thank goodness for that whole suspension of disbelief thing.

While the watchability of the Fast movies has long depended upon the individual's ability to be tricked into shutting off your brain by the lights of pretty girls, pretty cars, creatine-loving guys and tough-man dialogue, the movies have mostly relied (to admirable lengths) on real car stunts. And while the physics of this stunt seem less-than-real-world likely, other stunts shown off in the trailer are obviously quite real.

CGI artists around the world have become expert at fooling our eyes on many things, but there is something reassuringly honest about the Bay-style quick-cuts featuring a car being ripped to pieces as it smashes into a road block that cars aren't normally designed to crash into.

If you are so moved by the franchise that you genuinely care about the characters, there is enough here for you. Vin Diesel is back, along with Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster, from Fast 1 and 4. Also along for the ride are Tyrese and Ludacris from Fast 2, and the character of Han from Fast 3 (whose mere presence reveals Fast Five to be a prequel to 'Tokyo Drift').

Joining the muscly-fun is Dwayne Johnson, who between this and the totally unrelated 'Faster,' seems to be leaving behind Disney-family-flicks and thankfully returning to action. His speech about "above all else, never, ever, let them get in their cars." is snappy in the right silly way, and his aggressive pursuit of the criminals is the most interesting and inspired new development in the 'arc' of the series since... well... ever.

Really, it's about the babes and the cars. Both seem to be in full effect, with a dandy shot of Israeli supermodel Gal Gadot (from Fast 4) wearing a two-piece, and pretty much everything else featuring either cars or explosions.

Structure of the trailer is standard with cold intro, reveal of Vin Diesel and Paul Walker (the marquee faces, still after a decade), and fast montage of action that makes little sense while watching it, but at least serves to remind the audience that, hey, we used real cars!

Points lost for directly referencing the trailer for 'Fast and Furious,' which featured the tagline, "New Model, Original Parts" in reference to the return of all four leads from the original film. This trailers' line is, "This Model... is Fully Loaded," referencing that the stars from pretty much every film in the series gets featured. I'm pretty sure that no one but me and a handful of other weirdos (Call me! Let's hang out!) remember that detail from their marketing campaign. So shame on this trailer for expecting that anyone did. Coughcoughahem.

Trailer length and music selections all worked pretty well. But really, the best thing they did was highlighting that safe-dragging stunt. Some may be annoyed that they gave that stunt away in the previews, but really -- there is no better indication for what kind of flick you're in for.

"In Theaters."

Top 5 Trailers Superior to the Movies They Promote

Welcome back, sports fans. Been a while. Moving states, not having regular internet, and working 60+ hour weeks will have that effect. But let's forget the past and get on with the future. And in doing so, let's start by looking into the past. Still with me?

So, at the recommendation of one of my best buddies, here is my list of the top five trailers superior to the movies they promote! Doubtless, this list could go on and on and on. So if you have one you feel passionate about that I miss, please throw it into the comments section.

Otherwise, let's get crackin:

Number 5 - X-Men - The Last Stand


X-Men and X2 - X-Men United gave the world a fantastically-energized version of the comic book movie. Forged into reality by director Bryan Singer, aided by sharp writing and insightful casting, the first two X-Men films changed the landscape, only two short years after the pain and suffering that was Batman & Robin. With massive box-office takes, X-Men 3 was not far behind, and thus, we received X-Men the Last Stand, a movie so mediocre, it sucked all the wind out of the sails on a great franchise, and to this day, we still don't have X-Men 4.

The trailer, however, is a great work of art, as it promises an epic battle bigger, better, and with more gut-churning emotion than anything we had been treated to until this point in the story. Dealing with the notion of a mutant cure, X-Men 3 promises from the trailer to give all the characters pause and make them reflect upon their very existence, what they fight for, why they fight for it, and if it's worth it. The movie gets this thematic through-line over within two minutes.

Only a healthy dose of skepticism, as X3 director Brett Ratner has proven himself incapable of the more quietly efficient, thinking-man's films that Singer had made, keeps this trailer from being classified as straight up amazing.

Number 4 - Terminator: Salvation


War. Robots. The struggle for mankind. These are the things that make a terminator-loving action junkie sing with excitement. Take those things and set them in a bleak future where Batman has to protect mankind from a thousand metal demons, and you have the promise for one sweet movie.

Unfortunately, the movie fails to excite. Some interesting action aside, the film suffers from not being able to decide who its main character is, and what their journey should be, and as a result, short-changes all of them. But of course, this trailer doesn't tell you that. This trailer promises a grown up version of little Eddie Furlong from T2 (again, now played by Batman) doing everything he knows how to do to protect wife, child (a potentially interesting throw-back to the first Terminator, anyone?) and the rest of mankind.

I got goose bumps at the first sight of this trailer, as I was sure we were going to get the future-war movie that the series now deserved.

Just goes to show that good trailer-cutters deserve a lot of money. A LOT OF MONEY.

Number 3 - The Matrix Reloaded


Sticking with the theme of robots, war, and sequels, this trailer for The Matrix Reloaded left me thinking that this movie would be nothing short of a spiritual awakening. I would leave the theater asking myself questions about life, love, sex, kung-fu, and the universe. I mean, who doesn't want that from their action flicks?

Instead I got a movie. Like Terminator before this, Reloaded presented some beautiful action sequences, but everything that didn't involve one person hitting another in the face was awkward and flat. The stakes, while supposedly sky-high, never felt so. The pacing of the whole affair was off. I rather compare the experience to eating pizza that is warm at the tip, but cold toward the crust. It's still pizza, but it has broken your heart in a way.

Let's not even get started on Revolutions.


Number 2 - The Village


M. Night has had his moments. Several beautiful moments in a couple wondrous films.

The Village had moments. But was not a wondrous film.

Boy, this trailer sure had me fooled. I walked into The Village expecting some incredible twist on the creatures that live in the woods outside this community. The twist was not incredible. I walked into The Village expecting emotion from unexpected places. The emotion was hardly there. I, at the very least, expected to be gripping the edge of my seat with delightful anxiety as the unseen antagonists in the woods frightened me like the way the ghosts did in The Sixth Sense or the aliens did in Signs.

The only anxiety I felt was a need for the movie to end as quickly as possible.

Hey, you want a twist, Night? The movie takes place 300 years in the future, the creatures in the woods have destroyed everything, and all that is left of earth is this small society. There. Better ending.

Number 1 - Star Wars - Episode I: The Phantom Menace


What else could it be?

Is there any movie trailer more designed to get kids and grown-ups alike on their feet and cheering? Is there anything more exciting then seeing a Star Wars film, lightsabers and villains alike, bursting its way back onto the big screen? In new adventures no less?

Of course not! Which is why this trailer takes the number one spot.

The trailer for The Phantom Menace also stands in for the trailers for Episodes II and III, all of which feature splendid trailers, but films that fail to deliver. And not only fail, but thoroughly fail.

** Honorable mention goes to Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystall Skull. Even typing out the name breaks my heart a little...